I’ve been asking the cosmetics companies for years, “For the love of God, when can I get my hands on Snake Venom Skin Cream?”

Friends, Romans, countrymen, that moment has arrived. If you’ve overheard people comparing your face to an old catcher’s mitt, or perhaps a rotting jack-o-lantern, your worries are over.

Simply reach in, deep, deep into your savings, dig out $280 and Syence will hand over a bottle the size of a salt shaker.

Remember when your mother said “if you keep making that face, it’ll stay like that?” Well the snake cream erases those muscles memories that keep wrinkles stubbornly in place. Simply apply the cream in small doses to your ragged, leathery face, and in a matter of days you will notice a difference, and in a matter of months you will finally be able to join in the mockery of others.
Now at this point I know you’ll want to trade in your car to buy more snake cream, but wait. There’s a new lotion made from dingo droppings that will shed those unsightly lunch-lady arms, so you’ll be able to point and laugh without the unfortunate flapping (how embarrassing). Just remember, any problem you have can be solved with enough money.